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I’ll do away with the witty post titles when it comes to American Idol 5 commentary from here on in; since we’re down to the last 8, this is all business.

Tonight was the music of Queen. I like Queen, although I’ll only say now that Brian May is a fossil that needs to return to the tar pit.

Bucky - “Fat Bottom Girls”: As horrible as it was, it was also his best performance on AI to date, so he won’t be in the bottom 3. But how do we know it wasn’t really his twin brother?

McPhever - don’t remember, which says something: Pretty. Shi*ty. Her WASP fan base is too busy tonight replacing the empty vermouth bottle to vote for her, same as two weeks ago, but she won’t hit the bottom 3 because Simon had a stiffy for her. He said something like “this was almost the moment”… or maybe that was for someone else. The crap performances all run together, to be honest.

Pickler - We Are the Champions, maybe? No, “Bohemian Rhapsody” - She looked like a huu-ore. Song was weak. Her base will be out, as always, in force, so she’s safe. i like her boobs, though.

Ace - “We Will Rock You”. We Will Miss You. You’re going home this week, Ace-hole. Finally. Time to pack it in. Let me make this clear, and I’m not trying to be mean: you suck, Ace. You are a horrible, horrible singer. You have no fan base. Not even 11 year old girls. You can (and I’m sure will) be a successful model, so please go do that. But your continued presence on this show is an offensive mystery.

Paris - something something… oh yeah, “The Show Must Go On”, which is sort of indulgent and depressing. She looked like a cross between Catwoman, Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible and Super Mario. Absurd. Whoever is directing her on the show is doing her no favors.

Taylor - “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”. Um, I liked the fact that it took him two tries to kick the mic stand over, and in general I like Taylor, but he’s on his way home within the next week or three, so it matters not. Simon said it was “ridiculous” after asking TH if he was drunk, and that’s pretty much on. Kelley shared that she thought Hicks gave up a few weeks ago, and although that seems true, it’s also somewhat sad; I hate it when people give up, but you still have to be subjected to them.

Elliot - “Somebody to Love Me”. This guy is awesome, and it’s not just because he’s from VA. He would win if he didn’t look so goofy. But his voice is the best in the competition.

Chris - “Innuendo”. This song always sort of reminds me of Queen meets Pink Floyd’s The Wall. A well-delivered power attack, but no one knows that song, so… fortunately for him he has a big fan base. Maybe next week will be Creed week and he’ll be back in his element. I like Chris, but this dual-layer facial hair is a sort of g-a-y.

I think that’s it. The bottom 3 will be:

Ace, Paris and Taylor, with Ace going home. I am all-seeing, all-knowing. I’ve never before been right re: any of my predictions, but that matters not.

rds

UPDATE

Bucky got voted off the island. It had to happen, and sooner was better than later, as far as I’m concerned.

Bucky clearly didn’t understand the key principles of American Idol: Outsing, outlast, outsource, outkast (hey ya!), outshine, out-survive.