Dead Lock: Taylor Hicks Guaranteed to Win American Idol 5, Barring Another Voting System Malfunction[1]
Image: National Ledger.Com
[1] Odds of affirmative AI voting system malfunction are estimated at between 97-103%, by author
Hicks, Taylor; (a.k.a. Winner, The Winner, Idol 5, Teen Steam, Little Buddy, The Grey Soul Ghost, Poncharelli, Space Ghost, Cobra Commander, Little Buddah, Hoooo! McGoo, Twitchy, Little Jebus, Soul Power, The Spastic One, The Travelist, Soul Patrolist, Snoopy, Snow Patrol, Filly’s Folly, The Grey Eurasian, The Man Taylor, The Century City Goofball, His Girl Friday’s Boyfriend Taylor Hicks, Wednesday, Grey Ween, The Ageless Stranger, Tuesday, Puffy, The Great Weather Domination Machine, Long Tall Order of Johnniecake, Neko Case’s Most Recent Boyfriend, and Mid-Sized Bubba): He’s not an incredible singer, but he’s popular and consistent and fun, and that’s enough for both me and the Baby Jebus. A loss for Taylor tonight could only be attributed to yet another failure of the AI 5 voting technology. I’ll give him credit that when McP took down her own shields in song 3, he STAYED ON TARGET throughout his entire attack run. I also have to admit that I’m impressed with the work he’s done with Nine Inch Nails on the recent remix “You Get Me Closer To Whooo! Soul Patrol SOULPATROL!”
McPhever: aka CAT CANNOT CONTROL HER MCNERVOUS MCSPASMS, and this was her downfall. Also, her first single flat out sucked. And that blue sack made her rear look like a dozen bowling balls hidden in a blue potato sack. But it’s allright, as it’s over now, and I’m sure the fullness of time (or, eventually, Alzheimers) will un-burn the image from my memory.
Above and beyond that, I like her fine (especially her breasts)… although she is a robot. Because she is a robot? It’s hard to say.
McPhever’s Dad: I have three words for you tonight, and every night: BE A MAN. Trust me, doing so leads to a good feeling. You feel that feeling? Want to know what it’s called? It’s called “being a man”.
Ryan: See you in “Trapped In the Closet Part VII”. However, you are rich and famous, and that is worthy of respect.
Me: Will dial 200 times into TaylorLine9000, to log a grand total of 0.0 votes.
Simon: See you next year, Mr. Money Man!
|
Paula: Believe me, I knew what you meant when you said you and Taylor were twins or whatever: “I’m higher than hell, and you just exude everything.”
Randy: Don’t stop believin’. Hold on to that feelin’. Jerk. So, in the final analysis, remember this: deep within the bowels of Cingular’s Atlanta datacenter/data control facility, computers will be crunching all night, counting votes and, even more importantly, running a random number generator once, twice, three times, a million times, ten million times, one hundred million times, how ever many number of million times are required until the correct answer is revealed: |
 She’ll be forever your girl… so flee. |
Taylor Hicks: 49.99999%
HO!
See you tomorrow.
rds
May 23rd, 2006 at 9:46 pm
Kat did get hosed with her new song. Both new songs were awful, but Kat’s was worse. And Rick, you are exactly right about her dad.. she lost a lot of points in those tears.
May 24th, 2006 at 8:26 am
We really should wager on how close the fake voting results will be. Within a half of a percent? Within 1/10? 1/100?
Taylor’s dad looks like he beat the shit of him with a strop as a child.
May 24th, 2006 at 9:17 am
i think the final was such a blowout that it might not be that close this time.
the producers clearly got to mr. mcpheever and told him to leave those GD tears on his face if he wants his daughter to win. too bad it backfired.
May 24th, 2006 at 2:42 pm
I think (this was Kelley’s assertion) that Simon Fuller is terrified of Taylor winning if for no other reason that he’s not sure how to market TH. That led to a manufacturing of McPhever’s win.
As of the single I saw last night, though, it may not be a problem - sort of pop/soul-lite seems to work for Taylor. Not something I would buy, but marketable.
if the voting was left to happen naturally, i agree that McPhever is in trouble: she was neither the most talented, nor the most popular, last night. If it’s “close” like the three-way, McPhever is ready to win. The bit switch has been set.
May 24th, 2006 at 3:02 pm
you’re so right. kat’s song was abysmal. where was diane warren when she’s needed?!
May 24th, 2006 at 3:50 pm
Rick, the evidence actually points towards the producers’ backing Taylor…
1) Kat’s song was awful
2) Her headset monitor thing didn’t work during the 2nd song
3) That last dress they stuffed her into
May 24th, 2006 at 3:53 pm
Yeah. I’m beyond attempting to figure out the truth/veil/dynamic of the “are the producers attempting to really help or hinder the one they’re heaping misfortune on” question. as you indicate, mcphever had a bad day, for sure.
when she loses, i wonder if that headset monitor thing is going to come back as the magic bullet in a trial-of-public-opnion case led by Jon Cryer aka McPhever’s Dad.
r
May 24th, 2006 at 4:54 pm
conspiracies and american idol are old friends. always will be.
May 24th, 2006 at 11:04 pm
just watched. SOUL PATROL! the party here is RAGING.
r
May 26th, 2006 at 5:09 pm
More data from CNN.