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… in which the giant ape is subdued by Naomi Watts within seconds, same as any other male mammal, regardless of size.

I’ll keep my remarks short, to a sentence or two per thought, in the new style.

Peter Jackson’s King Kong establishes what I suspect we all knew but perhaps would have liked to see for sure: Pete can make a great flick about something other than a drunk Irish dwarf babbling on and on about “yeees, but what about second breakfast?” for over nine hours, with a ring and some sh*t.

Not that we needed proof. Although Lord of the Rings has dominated much of Jackson’s last ten years, we knew from before than, via Heavenly Creatures and his slasher-action, that his would eventually rise to a level.

I read or saw that Jackson wanted to re-make Kong since a young kiwi. That took me back in time, to my own personal Shire. When I was 12 (or 27), and making videotape movies in my parent’s garage. Robocop 5. Space Bounties. Tie fighters… in a pile… on top of a pile of paper grocery sacks. Burning, all burning. Parents come home during this. Carport on fire. The party days.

Kong works where the Hulk didn’t for one reason, I think: the execution of Kong (Andy Sirkis) is flawless. Since this isn’t an original story (”WHAT? GIANT GORILLA ON THE MARCH IN NYC? WHO WULDA THUNK?!?!?!?”), that fact is probably 50% of the magic.

I think what Jackson and WETA learned on Rings with Gollum is that it’s not really about character believability from the integration, modeling, alias and jaggies-reduction, compositing and lighting perspective: it’s the acting that comes through the animated character.

From that perspective, I guess it’s an old concept. At least as old as Shreck, or that peg-legged flying elephant with the peg leg, and the magic feather.

Most of the zero people who read this blog already know the story of Kong, so I’ll only note it’s faithful to the original, and the awful (although this is the one I grew up with) 70’s version with Jeff Bridges and, uh, Cybill Shepard or someone?

The character of Kong, one can see, without any words, really wants the relationship with his human-sized chick (Watts) to work. And that’s so important.

And who wouldn’t want it to work, what with Watts being one of the most desirable women on the planet? She’s perfect for the role. Not SJ (too pouty), not J-Lo (too butt-y), not Kidman (statuesque and undeniably beautiful, but also too aloof and stringy). Really, who else could play the role of Anne Whatever-her-name-was-that-Naomi-Watts-played? Lindsay Lohan? Too young and ravaged by cocaine.

What I’m saying is this, ok: a goddamn 70-foot tall silverback gorilla is going to really try to make a relationship with Naomi Watts work. Possibly in ways that us guys (e.g. Adrian Brody) can’t quite pull off. Really explore the space, you know? The… large-mammal-to-much-smaller mammal-space.

Unfortunately, I have the grave suspicion that Kong’s phallus (which we don’t see, and really: why is that?) is probably the same size as Watts in her entirety, so there are practical limitations to really, you know, fully exploring the space.

As such, we are left to witness a very true, heartfelt, and non-verbal/non-physical (other than Kong getting Ike Turner and beating the crap out of Fay) relationship bloom between Watts and Sirkis/Kong, before that final wave of fighters come in and blow him off the Empire State Building to fall to his death a thousand feet below.

Did I mention before this one was fairly true to the original? Sorry, let me fix this:

WARNING: SPOILERS

King Kong dies at the end of King Kong. No sequels.

Jack Black is good as a sh*theel, breaking new ground. Adrian Brody, also really exploring the space, is great as Watts’s gay screenwriter (hey, now!) boyfriend.

I think my favorite Peter Jackson addition has to be this, though: so Kong escapes his chains in NYC, right? He runs out in the street, and he’s slipping around, because it’s winter and icy, and he’s not equipped for it. He’s looking desperately for Watts’s character (again… Anne something? Barrow? Darrow? Farrow? Bone-something?), and keeps picking up vaguely similar-looking blonde chicks from the street, checking them out, determining it’s not Watts, and then throwing the girls into the sides of buildings, where their WETA stunt doubles dutifully hit concrete then bounce down the street.

Is “Naomi Watts” even spelled that way? As much respect as I have for her, your not going to get the answer here.

Who among us hasn’t been rejected at some point? Everybody’s searching for something. Just ask Lemmy of Motorhead, who is always looking for that last Jack and Coke of the evening that he misplaced under his boot. It’s so rare (I’d say it only happens once or twice in a lifetime) that we actually become a giant ape, smashing cars in the street, looking for that girl — that one — and actually having the power to do something about it. Which is to say, smash cars and other girls until we find her, then climb up a building, be a big target, and get shot to death.

Other than that, the “Skull Island sequence”, which consumes approximately 89% of the film, is first-rate, with lots of snakes and fire and a dinosaur and scary natives who are summarily executed by the main characters, and that’s where we meet Kong.

The film really makes you think, basically, which is what it’s all about.

On one level, you take something that is beautiful (a giant gorilla) out of its home, into a strange place, after taking away the person it cared about the most, and then you antagonize the gorilla with machine guns and ice. In many ways, it’s a perfect allegory for the I.T. industry.

On another level, it’s a clear demonstration that Peter Jackson can not only lose ~70 lbs (which, btw, congratulations! I’ve been there, and you’re looking great!), but make a tremendous non-elvish movie. Not that you shouldn’t remake The Hobbit, PJ. However, if you are reading this (and note: you are not), I have your next project right here. CONTACT ME.

On another level, it’s about taking something beautiful (Naomi Watts) and paying her, I dunno, $6 million dollars to be in the movie.

Mostly, I think, it’s about loss of self, which seems to be a big theme these days, with the Matrix movies and whatnot. Kong was comfortable on Skull Island. Then, he meets Naomi, expects to torture and eat her, but becomes enchanted, as all men would be. Already, he’s outside his comfort zone with this little blonde chick, off balance. Eventually, he’s in NYC, which should be homey since it’s a concrete jungle, but he is first stoned, then sliding around on ice (an analogy for “losing one’s footing?”), then climbs a building and gets shot to death (an analogy for being “shot to death?”), the fate that awaits us all.

There’s a little Kong in all of us. Unfortunately, the ability to backhand taxis into buildings is not part of the bargain.

rds

See this movie, then see (if you have not):

Mulholland Drive
21 Grams
Jurassic Park (mostly to see how much better this is… I mean, it’s been more than ten years…)
Lord of the Rings
Shallow Hal
That movie with the gay boyfriend in it
The School of Rock
Original King Kong
Boogie Nights
U2’s Rattle and Hum
Master and Commander: The Far Side!

Then listen to:

Antony and the Johnstons… for the true sadness Kong feels.