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I think a wormhole recently opened and this thing shot out. The plasma cannon and oscillating red eye seem to have been photoshop’ed from this particular image.

[ image peter bollinger / cnn ]

In semi-related thought, the Six Million Dollar Man battles this cool tank-like cyborg on the show. My queries to the Googleplex (in the first time in recent memory) yield neither name nor image of this thing, although jumptheshark.com’s SMDM entry does make an oblique reference (search for “tank”). Does anyone remember it?

In one of the few occurrences on this season’s Rockstar: Supernova! that seem to indicate the proceedings are taking place somewhere in this reality as opposed to some sort of temporal/logical rift, host/actual rock star Dave Navarro[0] had a brief exchange with contestant Jill Gioia following tonight’s performance of Hole’s “Violet”, executed complete with kinderwhore dress, some sort of veil and, uh… there’s a link to the thing here. But beware.

I’m paraphrasing now:
> Dave: That was, ok, the vocal was good but, you know, it was a little weird seeing you in the whole Courtney Love-esque getup. That made it a little weird. That made it too much.
> Jill: No! No! This is me. I don’t know what came before or what Courtney Love did. This is me, this is Jill Gioia!
> Dave: Ok, well, if you buy the Hole album Live Through This, which that song “Violet” is from, and you look at the cover, you’ll see a woman who is dressed exactly like you are dressed now, and inside you’ll see pictures of Courtney Love the same way, but whatever.
> Courtney: I’m Jill Gioia! fin

Deadpan. No sarcasm. No need for it. F–k, man, that guy wrote “Mountain Song”, one of the greatest f—ng rock songs of all time. He knows he’s real. He knows he wrote that song, and he knows exactly how high he was when he wrote it and how many women were there doing sex acts and if blood was being drunk from a ram’s head and he SHOULD, damn it. Dave has two pierced nipples. That’s what I’m talking about. He’s become a little strange with the plastic surgery and being a reality TV host and all that, but the guy is still rock and roll. I think.

Unfortunately the exchange I describe above was not captured in the linked performance, nor does it appear to have hit YouTube yet. When it does, you’ll know.

The “Real-Meter” was quickly slapped back down to the default/running setting of “not very real” with Tommy Lee’s immediate followup: “All I want to know is: are you wearing panties?” This was to Jill Gioia, not to Navarro, to which she tried-to-purr-but-really-didn’t “… maybe I am… maybe I’m not!” Good response. Unfortunately, lacked the slightly more “rock and roll” option of lifting up her dress for the audience to settle the question. And in this case, I guess what I really mean by “rock and roll” is “capable of causing genital warts by sight”.

So… it’s like this: in a season of Rock Star where things are pretty much total non-rock (or at least not real rock) in large part due to the ill-rock-legitimacy of a man named Tommy Lee, who has burned through all his rock-karma[1], in some ways Dave Navarro is like the most most rock thing on the show when he doesn’t even have to raise his voice or be sarcastic to point out what should be obvious to everyone: Jill Gioia is a first order poseur and should be nuked from orbit, or ravaged by Tommy Lee then blown from an airlock. Perhaps the greatest poseur of all time. Or at least on that show.

I just voted for Lukas four times, which is my style, and now: the prediction.

The prediction: tomorrow, all three members of the bottom three will be ejected. Please God.

ROCKSTAR!

[0] Despite having a somewhat dull-looking Wikipedia entry… or because of?
[1] But maybe you can’t burn through it all… it’s infinite? This is tough.

Syd Barrett, psych-rock titan probably near-completely forgotten by modern rock youts under 30 (and lacking cool older siblings), has formally left the building years after checking out.

Barrett was the early creative impulse for Pink Floyd, but experienced a drug-and-fame-induced emotional collapse early in the band’s career, which led to his ejection/replacement. Most of Floyd’s well known “classic” canon (Dark Side of the Moon, Wish You Were Here, the Wall) was created post-Barrett, but the title track “Wish You Were Here” is the band’s lament for their lost friend.

Guitarist David Gilmour took over as guitarrist for the band, and bassist Rogers assumed the role of major creative force until the rest of the band got sick of him and kicked him out in the 80s. They seem to be getting along better now.

early sid (2nd from right), high and productive, as the primary creative force of pink floyd. [image location]

later, post-breakdown, post-ejection from floyd, but still making music. [image source]

allegedly much later (c 2001), living a quiet life in mom’s basement, walking down to the corner store. [image source]

Shine on, brother.

Not really, but given what the world saw on the tonight’s first performance episode, combined with a near-complete lack of public interest in Tommy Lee’s doings, this whole thing had better be over quickly.

But, why get ahead? Let’s take it in stride, a walk through the garden… excellent style. [image source]

First, remember Rock Star: INXS? No? Are you going all the way back to last summer yet? Yes, and you still don’t remember. That’s ok. Rewind: INXS becomes Top Rock Star in like 1000 nations. Michael Hutchence loses it and punches out clean via an auto-erotic asphyxiation episode. Band muddles about for ten years, then decides that only american idol-style teledemocracy can pinch them a new lead singer, while ex-Jane’s Addiction Dave Navarro smirks on, satyr-like and glistening, offering guidance and attempting to figure out the magic formula allowing him a three-way with co-host Brooke Burke and his soon-to-be-exwife Carmen Electra.

So, the format is very American Idol: contestants perform by singing karaoke to rock standards with a pretty awesome live band, America “votes”, and someone gets voted off the island every week. Navarro is Ryan Seacrest except lucid and hetero, and the band is Randy/Paula/Simon. Then there’s a big sing-off at the end and the band has a new singer for whatever the minimum time/album requirements of the show contract are. In between all this there are half-hour “reality” episodes of the contestants living in a dream house, drinking to excess in the rock-n-roll tradition, and crying for/laughing at whoever just got voted off.

So last time, a strutting, “backstabbing” and hand-jiving Canuck named J.D. Fortune (Vegas;pretty) took the stage, rang the bell, made the duck do “ding!”, and took the money, becoming INXS’ new lead singer via (sorta) America’s dial-in favor[5]. Summer’s kiss is over, baby, but J.D. is standing tall. And, as of about ten months later, he’s still with the band and has actually recorded an album with them[4].

But it’s a new summer, and we have a new handful of fifteenish hopefuls looking for elected rock stardom. Dave’s and BookeBooke are back, and it’s time for Rock Star: Supernova?

[[ donkey braying sound ]]

Introductions are an order.

Supernova is the super-group (eh! eh!) featuring:

Tommy Lee, former drummer of Motley Crue and gynecological jackhammer of Pamela Anderson and assorted PA-lookalikes, leading band and ostensibly playing some instrument in between liver transplants.

Jason Newstead, former Metallica bassist[1] (not to be confused with Metallica Drummer), last seen in 2003’s documentary some kind of monster taunting Mighty M into a battle-of-the-bands with whatever band he was in then[3]. “Anywhere, any time.” Glad to see that worked out.

Gibby Haynes, former Butthole Surfers. I thought he was the singer for that band. I don’t know what he’s doing here. Perhaps supplying T.Le with heroin. Again, why is he here?

Some other dude, a producer maybe?

And did I mention Dave Navarro is back, looking extremely bored? And we’re only one episode in? I only mention this because Dave is waaaay less-sexier/swarthier when he’s bored.

It matters not, because the Rock Star net-effect is in full effect to rock your summer, all summer long:

1. The girls are sometimes hot, always slutty and occasionally capable of delivering pitchy caterwaul at ear-watering brown-note volumes. And in one case the girl is a terrifying staring-owl/zombie, but she’s a SuicideGirl so it’s ok[7].
2. The guys are often pretty, occasionally gay, and in one rare instance actually capable of rock-action to the extreme (more anon). Also, they’re sometimes J.D. from last season. Welcome back!

There are just a few problems with the subject-band this time around:

0. “Supernova”, the band, appears to have been created just for the show. Ewww. Methods of Mayhem showed such promise.
1. Tommy Lee is not someone America remotely cares about, beyond his freakishly large anatomy and tendency to poke it in various American sweetheart orifi.
2. Jason Newstead, although a great bassist that was once in a great band, is not someone whose opinion anyone takes seriously; that’s why he got kicked out of Metallica.
3. Gibby Haynes? I honestly thought that guy died on some legendary 12 hour con-call with Hank Rollins and Bill S. Burroughs where Haynes was threatening to do heroin and Will Lee was all egging him on and Rollins was shouting at him not to, telling him to keep his self-respect and then like twelve hours later Rollins fell asleep, exhausted, for like 2 seconds and Haynes did the heroin, and Rollins came through the phone line like in some horror film and snapped Gibby’s spine with his neck-muscles.
4. I felt that with the INXS show there was was a sort of “aw, it’s sweet that these super-provincial Australian blokes are at least playing along with the idea that there was a one in ten billion chance that a lady singer could win the competition”. Snort. Let me fast forward to how that will end if it happened on Supernova. The winner would first be violated… no, wait… injected with heroin, then the violation. Then more drugs, flayed alive, roasted on a spit, then eaten. I assume that would be the end but given Tommy Lee one can never rule out additional violation post-roast.

In the end, just give Lukas Rossi the $10,000 or the spot in the band or the Prius or whatever, because on night one the score was 14 relatively-to-fully embarrassing performances, and 1 rock show (Billy Idol’s… something) by Lukas. Kelley was pretty sure Lee & Co were reaching back to the producers during his performance (strategically slotted last) to ask “dude, what will it just take to get this Lukas guy on the bus now? And is he holding?”

All in all it’s all in good fun, and I can sort of detach myself because I don’t care about this band [2], and just watch the show. For no matter how pitchy or wooden or wacky the performance, you can see the same gleam of hope, and same excited question, in each contestant’s eye every time they take that stage [image source]:

“Man, how am I going to be in this band without catching Hep C from, through or via Tommy Lee?”
or
“dude, CAN’T BELIEVE HOW MUCH HEROIN I’M GOING TO DO IN THIS BAND! AWESOME!”

[1] Not the one who got crushed under a bus; that would be the late, great Cliff Burton.
[2] I was once a big INXS fan, and watched last summer with mixed fascination, regret and joy.
Crue was awesome, but Tommy Lee specifically can be blown out of an airlock alongside evil Dr. Moonraker.
[3] I think it was A Floatist-Boy and Jetmachino
[4] Sang the lead vocal tracks on a pre-recorded INXS album that undoubtedly been in the can 3-5 years
It’s called Switch and I own it. Damn it!
[5] But mostly because the band wanted Fortune’s fourteen competitors less. And yes, on this show, unlike American Idol, you can actually successfully dial in to the voting system and vote via the web; I voted five times tonight alone[6].
[6] I so wish I was kidding but I’m so not.
[7] The rocker in question, Dilana, is an interesting dichotomy who appears to want to set the Earth on fire (literally) during her zero-muscle-movement/jesus christ post rendition of nirvana’s lithium, then instantly transforms into Strawberry Shortcake-with-a-lip-ring when she takes the hoodie off.

## Update: Smelling-My-Own-Shame Edition ##

Ok. Gibby Haynes is not on the show, but Gilby Clark (former Guns n’ Roses) is. I’ve never known such shame. My reputation is ruined. This is my final entry.